Things I Had Said That I Would Never Do…

One of the things I’ve said I’d never do, in the past, was self portraits.

Some of this is pandemic related, but much of it is girlfriend related. She doesn’t really care to move into a larger space and therefore torpedoes my every attempt to bring up the subject. Our current condo was supposed to be temporary; we’ve now been here for 8 years and long since outgrown it. I have no space to work.

Now add the pandemic to all of this. Her job forced me to be more careful about where I go and what I do to ensure I remain COVID free. Limited access to parks and locations forced me to pivot to product and still life photography. A lack of working space forced me to pivot to portraits. A lack of experience in either has forced me to learn lighting and a lack of space plus lack of social interaction has forced me to photograph myself, especially since she won’t contribute anything to my work unless there’s a direct benefit to her. In this case, she wants headshots and portraits to use for work but she won’t give me either the space or the flexibility to learn how to take a proper one.

On top of it all, I’m forced to spend hundreds, if not thousands, on gear to support a form of photography I purposely avoid due to my mental issues. Instead of preparing to buy the upcoming Fujifilm GF 80mm ƒ/1.7R WR, or the currently available GF 45-100mm ƒ/4R OIS WR to fill the gap in my focal range and complete the GFX lens quadrilogy, I’ve spent nearly a grand on Godox strobes, speedlights, transmitters, modifiers and stands… things to support forms of photography I have no passion or excitement for. Even worse, I have no place to put it all; the condo has become a mess and I can hardly remember where I’ve put anything, especially when I need it.

I still need a few more stands, scrims and at least 1 backdrop, plus the hardware needed to support it.

So here I am shooting myself. I’d rather be using a gun than a camera at this point.